If this publishes on May 3rd then I actually made it to the yoga retreat that I signed up for back in August of last year. At the time I was feeling that “bossy confidence” I talked about last week. The trip came across my Facebook page posted by someone who I worked with in the past–we weren’t each others favorite at the time but both have grown considerably and have connected on a couple of things via Facebook. So anyway, she posts this yoga retreat at this Xinalai Yoga Retreat place. I think, yep, I am going, for sure! Me and the beach, yoga. I had just started my yoga certification course and was feeling strong, empowered…confident!!
Fast forward to April of this year…..oh crap! I am doing what?!?! Alone, by myself, for 7 days. An island (jungle) that has limited wi-fi, water usage is minimal, can NOT ingest the water….yea, I know, waaaaaa, going to a beautiful island and I am complaining. Trust me, I annoy myself.
In reality I am sure that I will be fine. What scares me is that I am getting on a plane and traveling to this jungle by myself. My travel career has been very minimal. And as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t do a hell of a lot on my own. I love to tout that I am an independent woman, I don’t need a man, I don’t need anyone! Yea, right. And there isn’t a problem with needing people, I do think that that is how we are wired-we are pack animals. But when we pass up opportunities because we don’t feel like we can, we lack the confidence in ourselves, well then that is a problem.
Before I left I came up with all kinds of reasons why the timing was bad….haven’t had a closing in a while (realtor), my dog will miss me….I will miss my dog…yea, nothing super valid. I told myself that the anxiety is just excitement, I imagined myself on the beach enjoying myself, everything fine…..not lost in Mexico somewhere alone and hungry or I got on the wrong plane and now I am God knows where alone and hungry (yes, my fears are often steeped in reality).
But this is the very thing I talked about last week, confidence. The ability to feel like I have this, in thinking about it, I might not ever FEEL like I have anything, but I have to do it anyway, I have to break the cycle of self-doubt, create a competency, build this skill! I can do this! And if you are reading this, I am gone! Hopefully not alone, lost and hungry…..