Over the last several years I have felt, well, off for lack of a better word. I hadn’t ever really paid attention to my age or worried about getting older. Midlife crisis is for men, they buy corvette’s and color their hair (sorry for the stereotype). But women, I guess our midlife crisis would be menopause maybe. Not sure. But either way, I wasn’t worried.
I figured feeling off was just feeling off. It’d pass. But it hasn’t. I feel restless and unsettled. I have mentioned previously that over the last year I have read a lot of self-development books and listened to Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Mel Robbins and others. I’ve compiled a list of goals, things to change, to work on…to fix. I take courses and webinars, I keep hoping that I will stumble across something that will be the answer, I will miraculously feel at peace, have direction, purpose!! Yes!! Eh, no…
I came across Brene Brown’s blog The Midlife Unraveling. She talks about midlife not as a crisis but an unraveling. It is a time in our lives when we realize what has served us no longer does. In case you don’t want to travel to her blog here is a piece, advice from the Universe:
I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.
My gifts….never really thought I had any. In fact, You Want Me to List What?? is what I think about having to list my accomplishments, yuck!! Don’t got none!
In all seriousness, this is it, this nagging feeling that I seem to carry around with me is the realization that I have wasted enough of my own time. I can’t beat myself up for it, the patterns created when I was a child to protect myself served me well. In my twenties I medicated with alcohol and drugs, late twenties and into my thirties I laser focused on my kids. Worked hard to be the perfect parent (failed of course) but it was time-consuming and kept me from having to look at myself too closely.
Now my girls are grown and this is my time, my time to take off the armor, stop pretending. I feel it, I know it. I just have to figure out how to combat those old patterns. I feel lost and unsure and really scared!!
I continue to self-sabotage, to procrastinate, wallow….frustrating. I have time, I have time to take the steps to market myself as a public speaker, I have time to learn social media, I have time to focus more and improve this blog (sorry to the very few that trudge through these, thank you!)
But I don’t. I stay hidden, I stay small. Then I wonder why I feel uneasy, restless, and lately, – seriously depressed. Keeps me safe, unhappy, unfulfilled but safe. I want to grow into my gifts even if right this very minute I don’t think I have any.