My Passion…..elusive biyotch!

I gave my first talk!  Last week, in front of a women’s meet up, SheLeads.  My inclination is to now type all the things that I did wrong, where I stumbled and my mouth felt like I smoked a giant bowl.  Trying to change my habit of self-criticism, it’s a tough one.

So……I did fantastic!  I really engaged with the audience.  I made them laugh, I made them cry.  I talked some about my childhood.  I was completely vulnerable and to be honest, it felt terrible!!  Exposing, almost as bad as standing there naked and having everyone just stare (which I would never to do anyone!)

I really wanted to finish my talk and sit in my chair and know 100% that public speaking is my calling, my passion!  I wanted to feel moved and stirred, positive and determined.  Instead I felt exhausted which I would bet was from the enormous amount of cortisol dumping into my system pretty much all day.

I made the very smart move of clearing my calendar so I could practice my talk, really prepare.  Yeah, dumbass move!  I spent the day freaking out and in my head.  I watched Ted talks on overcoming the fear of speaking, I tried meditating, breathing, visualizing, I mainlined Rescue Remedy….basically close to 11 hours of creating and fighting panic.  Mental note to stay busy with ANYTHING before my next talk.

My next talk……will there be one??  Do I want one???  I wish I knew.  See when things get scary my frenemy, my brain, kicks in to protect me.  She has served me well as a child, protecting my from the damage witnessing domestic violence has, the instability of growing up in that environment.  But now she protects me from anything that might be a step out of my comfort zone and let’s face it a fantastic life does not come inside one’s comfort zone!  Big o’ puddle of mediocrity is what you’ll find there.

I had a great conversation with a friend of mine about this where she suggested that I ditch the question of is this my thing, my passion.  That maybe me obsessing over being able to find it is the very reason I can’t.  Finding and living one’s passion is the goal of life I have told myself and if I can’t, well add it to the list of failures that I have accumulated for myself.

I want to surrender to what the Universe has in store for me, trust that surrendering will bring to me opportunities that I haven’t even thought of.  I want to stop obsessing, stop overthinking, and for the love, stop panicking.

It is the Brene Brown blog about Midlife, my last week’s blog Unraveling…..  Go with it, rebirth!  Ugh….

I just want to know, honestly I just want it handed to me, a “here you go Amy, your passion”.  But that just isn’t going to happen and frankly if it did, I’d question it, I’d overthink it and more than likely decide that it isn’t my passion either.   I’ve got some growing to do, some letting go.

My plan….to make a plan, but not a go out and find a job, pick whatever to survive plan.  I am going to take some time, not a lot or I will end up living in my car, but some time to really be quiet in my head, work to surrender and be open.  It will be work for my freaked out controlling brain but I have to, I am midlife and damn it, this is my time!

Be kind to yourselves!


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