Had an epiphany this morning, maybe not a total epiphany but something in this brain of mine clicked (hoping it sticks).
I am reading Surrender by Michael Singer. Thus far he has spoken about his journey with meditation, yoga and seclusion. He talks about his discovery of his inner voice, that voice in our head that constantly chatters aways. Often not in a helpful manner at all. His practices very much revolved around getting that inner voice to shut up, control it.
However, he realizes that silencing that voice shouldn’t be the goal, that voice inside of us has a psyche, dreams and goals. Are they entrenched in reality? Eh, maybe not and again is it helpful most times?? Mine is not. It is obsessive, repetitive and sometimes just plain off the rails! But instead of trying to kill it we instead let it be, watch it, don’t buy into it, remind ourselves that we are not our thoughts and not our perceptions.
I have had a crap month, maybe a crap couple of months, maybe last several years. My significant other and I have broken up pretty much weekly. That voice in my head has convinced me that we don’t belong together, and maybe we don’t. I truly don’t know.
What I do know is that in trying to kill that inner voice of mine, trying to punish myself into some quiet and peace, I have created a whole lot of turmoil. Ironic how the intention of peace and the steps I have taken have made my inner chaos worse.
Read a piece from Upworthy yesterday that I found valuable and am sharing. I have spent a lot of time disappointed in myself, not meeting the standards I set, I don’t even know where I got them. Made some choices that I truly regret in my life, most recently in 2015 and have let drive my bus for far too long. The consequences of those choices should have been enough, forgiveness should have followed, could have followed.
Article states that most of our unhappiness comes from believing that are lives should be different from where they are, goes on to say that while holding ourselves accountable for our stuff it often leads to bitterness and resentment towards ourselves.
Life has it’s own timing. I have a puzzle piece on my refrigerator that I have had since around the year 2000. It was back when I lived in Virginia and attended church regularly. One of the ladies at church had given me a puzzle piece and told me that by looking at the piece I couldn’t tell what the big picture was but I had to trust that that piece did in fact fit. I had to have faith. I’ve lost that, that faith, for whatever reason, it isn’t actually important why or how. I’ve run around life with that piece desperately trying to find where it fit instead of just trusting that it did.
It’s my birthday today and I am going to vow to start a new chapter today, a chapter where I don’t try and control every word written or reprimand myself for either not being able to control it or the urge to control it. To stop trying to kill the voice in my head and instead finding some peace for us both, to be human.
More importantly than all of that, I am going to love myself, the ugly, the weak, and appreciate who I am today.
You are as you are until you are not.
Be kind to yourselves.