I save earthworms. This morning on a walk with my dog, I passed a worm, he didn’t look great. I kept walking, then I stopped, turned my dog around and went back. Picked him up, still alive, and threw him in the grass. Gives me a happy feeling…feel like that might be strange.
I am not new to saving earthworms, have done it for awhile. Meeka looks at me with curiosity when I stop her and bend down and pick up their little bodies and throw them to what I hope is a longer life than what they would have had. On days that it has rained or the sprinklers have run, it can be quite time consuming, but I don’t mind. Again…strange.
The other day I was walking with my partner and our dogs and the sidewalk was riddled with dead little worms….I felt sad and hopeless, I couldn’t help them.
Back to this morning walking, I started thinking about why this has become important to me. I mean I don’t hesitate to kill a spider in my home. I tried to let one live…once, he was in the corner by the mirror in the bathroom, I thought, ok, he isn’t close, let him live. The next morning I am in the shower and look up and there he is! Above my head!! And I am naked, in the shower, at HIS mercy. He didn’t kill me either but still.
I digress…this morning, I wondered if I save them because it provides me with a sense of power, of control. I am able to bend down, pick him up and make his life better, pretty easily. Does he even know, understand…does it matter??
I have also had the thought that maybe that worm was suppose to die, natural selection or something, that by me saving him I am throwing off a very delicate ecosystem.
Many of my posts have been about navigating the world with a serious control issue. I wasn’t raised in the best environment, not always very safe and have grown into an adult who wants to control every aspect of my environment in a very uncontrollable world. It is exhausting and anxiety producing.
Back to the worm. I was thinking, am I as nice to people that I come across? People who very obviously are struggling, dying on the sidewalk in the sun (ok, so probably not that extreme). I try to be nice in general, I do. But sometimes I wonder if I base that on the effort and return ratio, if ratio is even the right term. Let’s see if I can explain.
If I see someone obviously hurting, do I have time? What am I doing? Is it a safe situation? Will they require more from me than I have to give? I mean let’s face it, the worm is a really small effort for me and a fuzzy return. Oh, is that return fabricated because I am trying to make myself feel better for not actually taking the time to help humans…..ugh, I will overthink that awhile.
I will vow to make an effort at helping the next human I see lying on the sidewalk dying in the sun….I will. Until then I will continue to make a difference in the lives of earthworms (and apparently spiders, killing those).
Be kind to yourselves!