Fall, I like fall, well I would like fall, if winter didn’t follow. The past 2 mornings walking my dog I had to wait for it to warm up, I should mention that I am a pretty big sissy when it comes to even a resemblance of cold.
As I was walking her yesterday I noticed that some of the trees on our route are starting to change color. Almost immediately I felt sad, their impending death and ugliness. I caught myself and thought, what if I could change the story I tell myself about winter, have a different agreement, embrace and welcome the change?
Currently I am reading The Voice of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz, he wrote the Four Agreements, among many other books. He calls the voice in our head the Prince of Lies.
I have read a couple other books recently about that dang voice. Some authors recommend learning to live with the voice, quiet it, but that it will always be there. Ruiz has a different school of thought. He recommends that you silence it, for good. I like his recommendation. Now just to figure out how the hell to do that. Hope to write about that on another day and would love to hear input.
What does that have to do with fall….well, I have made an agreement with myself that I hate winter, everything about it. In fact, I generally end up feeling pretty bad around February. I am following a couple other blogs that have also expressed a dread of winter. Seems to be a time where many of us struggle with depression. I live in Colorado, so comparatively speaking I have it pretty darn good, but everything still dies and it’s cold! But that doesn’t seem to matter, the voice in my head expresses dread and sadness, can we do another winter, everything is brown, it’s cold…truly feels like is lasts about 13 months out of the year….
As I was walking and telling myself this dreadful story that somehow spirals into connected thoughts that everything is hopeless, life, love, finances….all because of a yellow leaf. Ruiz came into my mind in that spiral and told me to knock it off!! Voice shut the F’ up! Change this story, change all of the negative stories that I have created and believe without question, realize that I can, only me! First with the trees. We have all read those wonderful prose where someone talks about how fall and the falling of the leaves is just a time where the cycle of life is changing, that the “dead” tree is in fact dormant only to sprout new growth, new life! Ok, change, embrace change.
I’m really trying to be in change mode. My life has been pretty consistently crappy lately and apparently the only way that is going to be different is with change….change from me and by me, because if nothing changes, well nothing changes. Good ol’ Einstein and his definition of insanity!
The pain of not changing has now become larger, bigger, humungous….over the pain of or fear of change. So I will change, I daily am working to consciously be aware of the choice I would normally make and making a different one. The thing I don’t want to do, do, the thing I want to do (insert drinking wine) I don’t. This morning my friend backed out of our bike ride, I went anyway. This afternoon, I wanted to stop and have a glass of wine…I am here, finishing my blog…no wine.
I feel better about myself for the changes I have made, none giant, just shifts, different choices. I am the first one to let myself not follow through, I tell myself this is ok, it’s only me that I am letting down….it’s only me…..
We should be the top person in our lives that we don’t let off the hook, that we don’t let down. I have thought that it doesn’t matter, but it seeps down into our psyche, it let’s us know how important we think we are, that my friends, is a high jacker of confidence and worth.
So this morning when I walked my dog, I grabbed a sweatshirt and off we went. I noticed the beauty of the changing trees, where I live is truly incredible, Rocky Mountains to my west, lots of trees, beauty. Bring it on winter! I am ready for change~
Be kind to yourselves.