Endings…

Spoken a lot about change lately, focusing on if I don’t make changes in my life nothing changes.  I haven’t been on a path that I want to continue, that is for sure.  It has been a path without security and stability for a really long time. I had turned into someone that I didn’t want to be or maybe it was who I was but the events of the last 3 years just magnetized those behaviors.  Let’s face it I have always been pretty reactionary, dealt with feelings of unworthiness, taken most everything personally.

I thought after Monday so much would change.  Have you ever put everything on an event, thinking ok when this happens then all will be great!  I did.  I am not going to berate myself for that, in fact I am just going to work to respect where I am and where he is and make changes.

So Monday, my partner has been in divorce proceedings for over 2 years.  It has been hell, can’t really plan any kind of future when you don’t know what is going to be and you feel like you are in a state of constant limbo….waiting.  We haven’t handled things very well, we started our relationship in lies that led to a complete break of trust.  But we stayed together….well mostly.  If I look back it is shameful how I have handled the past but I can’t change it and I have beat myself up all that I am going to.

Monday, holy crap, one of the most stressful days of my life, I was called to testify for her.  Won’t share details as I don’t really feel like they are mine to share but my side….man, felt like I was going to have a heart attack off and on all day…didn’t take the stand until 4:15ish, so you can imagine how the waiting felt.

Got through it, I am alive!  Tuesday I had a Power Circle meeting, yes that is what it is called.  A group of 6 women that come together once a month to support, vision, share.  Our topic for this meeting was to vision ahead 10 years, where are we.  I haven’t loved this exercise for the last several years, be it envisioning a year ahead, 3 years, whatever, as I mentioned above, I have been in limbo.  I’d start to imagine a future with my now ex and then my brain would jump in and remind me he wasn’t divorced, intellectually one knows that’s not how it will always be but it didn’t feel like it was ever going to be different.

The last 8 months have been hell, we have handled it so very bad.  I have.  I had truly reached my limit probably around April, should have just gone then and saved us a lot of pain but I love him and truly hoped we could work it out, find our path together. Basic Maslow need is safety and security and it just wasn’t there for us, not ever.

Tuesday–I go to my meeting and for the first time since he and I started all of this I felt true hope, excitement for us, us together!  Well actually that isn’t true, prior to September of 2015 I thought we for sure would build a life together…anyway, I was so excited I called him.  He didn’t respond poorly, not really I guess, he said “we” (he) needed to breathe, step back.  Initially it felt like a slap in the face, I mean, I have been through the shit with him and now he needs to step back, what the F?!?!

Once I processed, slowed down, I thought ok, that’s fine, I have to respect where he is.  But then he sent me an email questioning how we (he) can plan a life together until we see how we (I) behave.  Yea, nope.  I get being concerned that things will remain how they have been but to me, the stepping back and seeing if I behave before taking any steps forward with me not going to work.  Just more insecurity and instability.  I don’t function well with that, as we have seen.

I feel like it is akin to me now saying to him, well we got through it but now I can’t plan a life with you until I see if you cheat on me again…..not going to work.  Either you are in and trust that there is change, stop looking back, only forward or you are stuck in the past and unable to trust there is change.  Maybe I am wrong, but at this point, after everything, I am unwilling to continue to live in the weird grey area where we are testing the waters to see if we want to maybe…someday…plan a life together.  I just can’t, I’m out.

I am hurt by his choice, where he is, but I realize that I can’t be.  I have to respect where he is and move forward.

On the one side it sucks, it’s a break up, he has been my friend, we have gone through some of the toughest times of my life.  I miss him terribly and I know in my heart that I will always love him.

On the other side, it feels very freeing.  I can now look at my future and make a plan, I don’t have to wait and see what he is doing, where he is, what he wants or doesn’t.  I am no longer in limbo and that feels truly fantastic.  A little scary but also awesome, I have possibilities!

It is going to take some time to heal from the loss but when I am ready I am going to put myself back out there.  I hope to find someone that I connect with, that loves the bad me right along with the good, that we trust each other to work through whatever comes our way.  For now I will be alone, spent a lot of time alone the last several years and have grown to really love the time I spend reading, hiking with my dog, just being.

I have a lot to figure out, where I am going to go with my career, am I going to move when my lease is up.  It is time to close the book on the last 3 years and start a new chapter.  Life is good!

Be kind to yourselves.

AmyD

 

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