Struggling with sharing today. I made a commitment to myself to write every week, once, on Thursdays. I haven’t been 100% on this but pretty close. Last week I just didn’t have it in me to share….feeling similar today.
I don’t think it is because I don’t want to or better said because I want to hide or stay invisible, feel like it is more that I am trying to make some changes for myself in an environment that doesn’t seem to be changing and I need all my energy to forge forward.
Kind of like those games where they show how much life force or source you have left and if it hits zero you automatically go Poof! I feel like my little green bars are pretty low and at any moment…..poof!
I have to protect those little green bars, try not to expend too much energy. I read several different blogs and know that many of you write and it is energizing, sharing and helping. I definitely have felt that on some occasions I’ve blogged, but not recently. I am trying to make good positive changes in my life. Looking at myself, honestly and seeing where I would like to make different choices in what I do or how I react to what other’s do. I find that I have to be careful with this, I tend to be pretty hard on myself in general, so taking a good look at me I remind myself that these are areas that I want to grow in not that need fixing.
I have always gone with the notion that I am broken and need fixed. So much of that has been external, looking at my life and deciding that the people in it have made the choices that they have made because I am broken. Because I don’t deserve love on that level, that I am unworthy. Today I know that isn’t true and I wish that just knowing was enough, but I now have to work to change how I think, to let go of the old habits around those thoughts while also not compromising in what I want, what I deserve.
I’d love to have the opportunity to have an Eat, Pray, Love experience. Pack a bag and hit the road, I’ve thought of this a lot over the last several months but just haven’t been able to make it happen. Lots of different reasons, some valid.
I know that I am on a good path, finally, I don’t know all the details, I also can’t tell you who will end up on that path with me, but I feel different from how I have felt ever before. It has taken me longer than I would like to admit, but my mother always tells me that we are exactly where we are suppose to be.
Be kind to yourselves!