It has been awhile since I’ve gotten on here, some due to busy but most due to trying to navigate my life, grow and that ever elusive changing I have written about.
I wish I could say I was in a fantastic spot….wait, part of what I need to change, today I am not in a fantastic spot however, I have done a lot of growth in that last 6 months, I have more, always will. I mean as humans I feel like it is our duty to continue to uncover the people we are, the wonderful goodness….ok, little gushy, but you know what I mean.
My BF and I broke up, again, yes the one I have written about and we were broken up. I don’t feel like this time it was 100% me, at least in my brain, however, my brain isn’t the most dependable….
I feel like I really have failed in all of this. There is part of me that thinks, WHAT!?!?!?! I failed???
I have eluded to the fact the my BF was married when we got together. He told me it was over, he was leaving, I believed him. He also told me he had never ever cheated before….I believed that also. I believed that even though I had a gut feeling about this other person, I asked him directly, he said no…..I believed him. I look back now and think did I? Or did I choose to believe him because it was easier and I didn’t want to think that someone I was falling for was capable of that. Not sure. Wish I would have listened to my gut, would have saved us all a lot of pain. Past can’t be changed.
Anyway….I feel like I have failed because today, divorced, 3 years later I am still struggling with trust.
I have gotten exponentially better. We don’t work together, we don’t even live in the same town. I use to constantly worry and have to work on letting go of thinking he is doing something wrong….I use to be crazy about it, exhausting for us both. Happy to say that has improved by a lot, yay!
He hasn’t made it easy, I have caught him in several lies and just last week discovered he still has an online habit (not sure extent). I can’t control that stuff, I know I love him and want to be with him, my struggle is the trust. It’s hard and that is an understatement.
Relationships are hard when things are good, when the baggage is just our own. I am reading Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships by John Welwood, highly recommend. He speaks to our wounds, that we all have wounds and from those wounds come grievances.
Another area I have failed in…my wound. I have spent hundreds of dollars on therapy, I can textbook you the trauma my childhood created for me, how it had changed my brain. But until recently I truly never worked on processing and letting it go. Years of stuffing, of me actually saying to therapist, “I don’t want to talk about my childhood, spent a lot of time stuffing that down to now drudge it back up,” they didn’t push, I didn’t try.
Anyway, 49 years later and now I am processing….better late than never I suppose.
Back to BF, last night he went out with a guy for drinks, hell it was my idea. And I was fine, I texted 2 times in 4 hours, not crazy texted either, just how’s it going…..he took awhile each time to respond and in the time my brain perked up, my fear stirred….
I tried to breathe, calm it down, talk to myself…..successful until I wasn’t. My brain reminded me this guy he was out with, one of the many men in BF’s circle, that at a party will cheer on the married guy that has taken a stripper in the bedroom….ugh, and yes, my BF was one of those guys too….fear system is a go!
I didn’t go crazy, fly off the handle…none of that. I can’t do that anymore, I can’t be that anymore. Instead, now, I feel bad about me. I can justify why I feel how I do, why the fear comes up but I truly feel at this point it isn’t suppose to anymore, I am SUPPOSE to just trust. I want to. I am pretty sure BF feels same, right?? If he didn’t, he would have responded quicker, remembered my anxiety, wanted to extend compassion and security for me.
When you are in a situation when a partner has lied, cheated, whatever, they are quick to offer a phone locator, a computer monitoring system but when it comes down to it, no one likes to be monitored, no one likes to have to be accountable, I get that…..doesn’t help me, but I get it. And maybe it isn’t his job to help me, maybe it all falls to me. If it does, well, I obviously don’t got it….I need help, I failed.
I can’t keep beating myself up, I own so much that isn’t mine. I have my own stuff to own, maybe I did fail, maybe I lack some something that would enable me to trust him at this point, maybe I suck. Or maybe I am just human, maybe my wound around self-worth runs so very deep that a person who has made those choices, well, I don’t know how to deal. I have to believe for me it doesn’t make me a failure, right!?!
Not sure the intent around this post, thought I would feel better, I don’t. I guess if anyone is reading this what I would like to say is don’t cheat, in any form or lie. Meet someone that says their marriage is over? Verify. Emotionally cheating, stop. It creates so much pain for everyone involved and unless you’ve got your wound what I will say “in check”, it will hurt you beyond belief.
I am going to work today to forgive myself for what I feel like is a short coming, I am going to also work to do this without listing off the reasons why not trusting him is valid-this hasn’t helped in the past, just poked my wound, I want peace, love and compassion in my life–that starts with me.
Be kind to yourselves!!